rumination

There is some kiss we want
with our whole lives,
the touch of Spirit on the body.

Seawater begs the pearl
to break its shell.

And the lily, how passionately
it needs some wild Darling!

At night, I open the window
and ask the moon to come
and press its face into mine.
Breathe into me.

Close the language-door,
and open the love-window.

The moon won't use the door,
only the window.

-Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks

echoes of the spheres

Well, the government finally came to a compromise, which was necessary. It will be interesting to see how or if we recover from this point. Maybe I'm growing a bit more skeptical with age but I kind of feel like this this is happening too much over our heads for us to pull out of this quickly or gracefully...the awkwardness of the squirming in this video is almost unbearable.

Now, to move out of awkward and into the sweet pool of inspiration, let's talk about music! I have music on the brain for huge chunks of most days, but I've been carrying it around with me literally now that I've finally conquered my ridiculous tech fear of the Ipod...I can keep a blog but can't work an Ipod? Well, apparently, I can work an Ipod and, since overcoming this strange doubt (thank you, Steven!), it's been glued to my hip almost constantly...on walks around campus, while cleaning houses, at the gym, even while just sitting at home because there's something truly wonderful about submerging yourself into total headphone land!

On some other musical musings, technology has now enabled us to SEE piano notes. Be sure to click on the interactive keyboard on that page and make your own orbs! The still images captured look strikingly like some of Emoto's water crystals.

Also, in a technique called "stellar seismology", scientists have been recording the sounds of various stars, including our sun. Take a listen, especially to the "star song" on the third link from the top.

All of these star songs and piano bubbles remind me of this verse by Lord Byron:

There's music in the sighing of a reed;
There's music in the gushing of a rill;
There's music in all things, if men had ears:
Their earth is but an echo of the spheres.

I agree with him. There's music in all things. Though I haven't been playing nearly as much intentional music lately...taking a bit of a hibernation to generate some new ideas...I'm alternately and deeply enjoying headphone land and the humming, cracking, gurgling, tweeting, and buzzing of dishwashers, birds, roads, ceiling fans, lightbulbs, and the like.

presidential address/what we can do

Man, say what you will about Obama, but I think he delivered this very well. I think taking his advice and contacting our representatives is a good move for everyone. In my very politically savvy friend, Alexa's words, "Congress is publicly considering defaulting to prevent Obama from being re-elected. This amounts to throwing us all under the bus for the sake of the ambitions of one political party. 10% decrease in social security checks immediately, lost value in government savings bonds, devalued 401ks. Not patriotic, not ethical, not ok: find your rep's number here and CALL now. Here's a link to the Texas District List. In addition, here's a direct list of Name Party Room Phone Committee Assignments:

1 Gohmert, Louie
R 2440 RHOB 202-225-3035 Judiciary
Natural Resources
2 Poe, Ted
R 430 CHOB 202-225-6565 Foreign Affairs
Judiciary
3 Johnson, Sam
R 1211 LHOB 202-225-4201 Ways and Means
4 Hall, Ralph M.
R 2405 RHOB 202-225-6673 Science, Space, and Technology, Chairman
5 Hensarling, Jeb
R 129 CHOB 202-225-3484 Financial Services
6 Barton, Joe
R 2109 RHOB 202-225-2002 Energy and Commerce
7 Culberson, John
R 2352 RHOB 202-225-2571 Appropriations
8 Brady, Kevin
R 301 CHOB 202-225-4901 Ways and Means
9 Green, Al
D 2201 RHOB 202-225-7508 Financial Services
10 McCaul, Michael T.
R 131 CHOB 202-225-2401 Ethics
Foreign Affairs
Homeland Security
Science, Space, and Technology
11 Conaway, K. Michael
R 2430 RHOB 202-225-3605 Agriculture
Armed Services
Ethics
Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence
12 Granger, Kay
R 320 CHOB 202-225-5071 Appropriations
13 Thornberry, Mac
R 2209 RHOB 202-225-3706 Armed Services
Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence
14 Paul, Ron
R 203 CHOB 202-225-2831 Financial Services
Foreign Affairs
15 Hinojosa, Rubén
D 2262 RHOB 202-225-2531 Education and the Workforce
Financial Services
16 Reyes, Silvestre
D 2210 RHOB 202-225-4831 Armed Services
Veterans' Affairs
17 Flores, Bill
R 1505 LHOB 202-225-6105 Budget
Natural Resources
Veterans' Affairs
18 Jackson Lee, Sheila
D 2160 RHOB 202-225-3816 Homeland Security
Judiciary
19 Neugebauer, Randy
R 1424 LHOB 202-225-4005 Agriculture
Financial Services
Science, Space, and Technology
20 Gonzalez, Charlie A.
D 1436 LHOB 202-225-3236 Energy and Commerce
House Administration
21 Smith, Lamar
R 2409 RHOB 202-225-4236 Judiciary, Chair
Homeland Security
Science, Space, and Technology
22 Olson, Pete
R 312 CHOB 202-225-5951 Energy and Commerce
23 Canseco, Francisco
R 1339 LHOB 202-225-4511 Financial Services
24 Marchant, Kenny
R 1110 LHOB 202-225-6605 Ways and Means
25 Doggett, Lloyd
D 201 CHOB 202-225-4865 Budget
Ways and Means
26 Burgess, Michael
R 2241 RHOB 202-225-7772 Energy and Commerce
27 Farenthold, Blake
R 2110 RHOB 202-225-7742 Homeland Security
Oversight and Government Reform
Transportation and Infrastructure
28 Cuellar, Henry
D 2463 RHOB 202-225-1640 Agriculture
Homeland Security
29 Green, Gene
D 2470 RHOB 202-225-1688 Energy and Commerce
30 Johnson, Eddie Bernice
D 2468 RHOB 202-225-8885 Science, Space, and Technology
Transportation and Infrastructure
31 Carter, John
R 409 CHOB 202-225-3864 Appropriations
32 Sessions, Pete
R 2233 RHOB 202-225-2231 Rules

debt

The national debt crisis has been on my mind something fierce lately. In fact, it has snuck under my skin much more than most governmental issues usually are able to. It's led to a couple of little anxious bouts of considering how I can start guerrilla gardening around town, conserving water, and preparing for the next Depression...a bit extreme, I know...but not entirely impossible. And, mainly, it's led to a lot of long talks with friends about this financial pickle we're in. The history and political science classes I'm in right now are also keeping it on the forefront.

My history professor, specifically, is very inspiring and brings every issue we study into a very realistic and modern context. It can be easy to abstract wars and genocides and revolutions as these far off, fairytale (probably more like ghost story) issues. It's also easy to pack events of the past into convenient, isolated boxes rather than look at the global story. As I've been expanding my knowledge of and perspective on some of the largest events of the last few centuries and drawing parallels, I can't help but see that ol' "history repeating itself" time and again. Thinking about empires and governments scrambling to stay on top, whether in colonization, industrialization, or what have you just reminds me of how fragile we are and always have been.

I think that "Government" becomes this larger than life figure to us sometimes, whether we're fearing it, assuming its corruption and failure, or praising it and assuming its total power and our security in it. Government is just a bunch of little people, mostly men and a few women who have worked twice as hard to prove the worth of their gender, running around and either trying to make positive change or trying to scoop up more power. They are, in more ways than not, like us and when it comes to issues such as this debt crisis at hand, there's no "right answer".

The Great Depression spanned more than a decade and, naturally, because the U.S. is and has been one of the biggest kids on the playground, affected the economies and individual lives of people in almost every country in the world. I recently learned that, once the U.S. stock market crashed, we were forced to pull our financial aid back that we were pumping into other, hurting countries. One of the main beneficiaries of U.S. loans at the time was Germany. We can look back now and see the horrible, indirect part our Depression played in giving Hitler an opportunity. I'm not trying to get all Doomsday here, but it's crazy to realize and important to recognize the ripple effects that come from events like these. My great-grandparents and a couple of my grandparents lived during the Great Depression...it's not so far-removed as we might prefer to think.

Even more recent history was the 2008 Great Recession that spun out of the Global Financial Crisis, the worst since the 1930s. I remember the panic at the time, but I was fairly ignorant about the depth of what was occurring back then. We narrowly avoided another Depression and global economic collapse. So, everything happening today is not out of the blue. There are many, intelligent people thinking and writing about the crisis. I just don't think there are any easy answers. There are many factors involved in the economy and it's difficult to understand them all. This is a very pared down and easy to understand primer. Everything's better with animation! The next few days will be very interesting as we watch Obama and the House continue to battle it out. In the meantime, I'm going to take a deep breath, de-stress with my hula hoop, and start helping folks get the community garden off the ground in Huntsville that has slowly been in the works for a long time. :)

is the speed of light too slow for you?

It's good to have gratitude for all that we have. I've seen some beautiful cloud shows this week. One sunset walk with Danielle in a park in my neighborhood led to us getting lost and wandering around trails, watching pink and blue clouds, and sharing camp horror stories (I was constantly bullied and she was apparently a deft bully liar and convinced all of her little campmates that they were in constant, mortal danger of bobcats..among other things).

On another note, this is my favorite cover of this Cat Steven's tune, "How Can I Tell You", and it's been playing on my internal jukebox quite a bit lately.

sand, water, and dreams

I have to share this incredible article that my buddy Elam shared today. Who knew that sand was so beautiful?

Also, the uniqueness and beauty of each grain of sand reminded me of Masaru Emoto's studies on the reactions of water crystals to different emotions, intentions, music, or prayers. I remember seeing one of his volumes of Messages from Water several years ago and being really astonished at the beauty and symmetry in the molecular structures of water crystals imbued with positive intentions vs. the chaotic patterns in the negative ones.

Does anyone else see the little man holding a club in the hatred crystal? Anyway, these things are easily dismissed as hippy dippy fluff by many but I think they're important to take into consideration, especially considering the oceans of information we have yet to discover about science and energy and the ways they interset. It can't all be rainbows and unicorns but it also can't all be quantifiable data, in my opinion. I like to lean into the blurry space in the middle.

This unknowing zone is uncomfortable for many because we can't pin it down, define it, quantify it, put it in a box...this issue came up in my Jung class recently. The topic was dreams and we began discussing Jungian concepts of shared dreams (two people literally having the same dream in a night), psychic information being shared in dreams before an event happens, and the like. I've experienced all sorts of wonderful and weird phenomena in my dreaming time since I was a kid, so it doesn't feel alien or suspect to me. I can't define or explain most of it...I just know what I've experienced. Jung attributes some of the more mysterious and magical seeming elements of dreaming to his concept of the collective unconscious.

...I wrote this post 2 weeks ago and, for some reason, left it brewing in my draftbox until now. I'm not entirely sure where I was planning to go with the threads of thought above but I had a strange and special dream since writing it. I woke up 2 days ago, after a great night of slumber in a magical fort, with a deep sense of peace and a chant echoing in my head. It's not unusual for my dreams to sway my emotions as I emerge from them but they're usually also accompanied by countless images and events and scenes and locations and interactions that I can attempt to scribble down in my journal before I lose them but know that I can never fully capture. The feeling coming out of this dream was entirely different. It was as if the only thing occupying my dream mind all night was a chant, suspended in space, sung by a female voice that didn't sound like mine necessarily, but felt deeply familiar and like it alone held the whole fabric of the universe. It took me a minute to focus my mind after waking out of this sea of song and, once I tuned into the words I heard this:

"Immanuel" (repeated 3 times per cycle)

and, sung over that word,

"Not a sound, not a creature, not a place, not a teacher, not a sound, not a creature."

I really like the melodies of both parts...that feels weird to say but they definitely didn't come from my conscious mind, so I can easily enjoy and judge them as something separate.

I'm sure I've heard the word "Immanuel" in my life, but definitely not in recent history and I didn't know what it meant ("God is with us").

Sometime last year, I had a dream of a similar nature, where I woke up completely immersed in a chant of many voices, male and female, in very complex and shifting harmony singing, "doubt. dot. dot. pray". I didn't know exactly what to make of the dream in the moment and it was the first time, to my memory, that I'd experienced a chant dream like that. But it, like the one from a couple of mornings ago, really stuck with me and has lingered around my waking thoughts since.

I can't remember exactly what was happening in my life at the time of the first chant dream, but I can guarantee that I wasn't consciously thinking about my relationship with a higher power, contemplating stepping foot into a church again, or committing to prayer. But "doubt. dot. dot. pray"...it cracks me up now because it just seems to sum up, "I don't know what I'm doing here aargh and whatifwhatifwhatif..pray". That's a cycle that sounds very familiar. Prayer is something that I've adopted and incorporated into my life with a lot of intention and relative ease over the past few months. But it's good to remember to do it in doubting times. I always forgot the most fundamental things when I need them the most. I'll be recording both dream chants soon and I look forward to getting more insight into the most recent one after time has given me some perspective.

4th of July

It's nigh! It appears that what Americans appreciate most about this holiday, watching things explode in the sky, ain't gonna happen for Texans this year. I had a glimmer of hope when San Marcos brazenly announced that they were going to blow things up regardless of serious drought conditions, come Hell or high water. However, they have since decided that, since they were the only town in the area with a planned fireworks show, too many people from surrounding areas would come to town and overwhelm them. So, fireworks are off again. A friend shared this video this morning and it was a great start to my last day of the semester. Colbert summed up my sentiments real good n stuff.

my mama cray

My Mom has been providing some much needed and inadvertent comic relief this week with our ridiculous gchats. The combination of her personality plus the occasional awkwardness of type-chat led to this convo a couple nights ago. Alas, all of our well-placed emoticons wouldn't transfer. Just mentally stick them in there when and where you feel appropriate.

Just for reference:

• Tutu=my grandmother (mama's mama). She's part-mermaid and has her own special brand of cray...enjoys throwing rocks at buzzards off of her balcony at night, etc.
  
• my Mom was super anxious this week because she was getting a tooth pulled...(she got on gchat last night only to type, "I survived" and then sign off)
• LeAnne is my Mom's next door neighbor and best friend...feisty broad!
• the "anniversary" I mention is the upcoming 10 yr anniversary of my motorcycle wreck. 7/3 has been a "jinx day" for me since and I'm trying to break it this year without breaking myself.
  
• the metal chicken blog is something a co-worker sent for My Mom and Jim's anniversary last week
• Mystic is this hoity-toity all girls' summer camp that many of the ladies on my Mom's side of the family went to for years . On your first year, you draw a slip of paper out of a hat in a very big deal/sorting hart-esque ceremony. You either draw blue and are, for the rest of your Mystic years, on the Kiowa tribe or you draw red and are forever a Tonkawa. All my kin had been Tonks so I, naturally, drew blue. I also was mercilessly teased and ended up spending most of my time hiding out in the "Nut Hut"...the name of one of the cabins....with kinder and younger folk or generally spacing out during the many sporting activities that occurred during the day. The one thing that I remember really enjoying at the camp was the theatre hour! We put on a production of the Hobbit...I think...I really am not even sure about that detail. Alls I knows is I spaced out on my entrance cue to scramble onstage as some sort of extra dwarf and say one line and my poor parents had to sit through the whole production in the hot ass sun without the gratification of even that. Oh, Mystic! Anyhow, not totally surprisingly, I never returned after my first year of hazing...erm...summer fun. But my Mom went for a zillion years and, being a general beauty and badass, was voted Chief of the Tonkawas one year (basically hundreds of girls declare that you're the shit and then you rule the roost for the year) and won a ton of patches for diving and kicking ass and the like. I think she also served as a counselor there when she got older and I know that she went back for a reunion with ol' Mystic gals recently. The force is strong in her.
  
• Weston is my roommate and he is awesome.
• Ol' Gene was my grandpa...he passed when I was little, but he had one of the kindest hearts on the planet and I have great memories of him. He also, from what I hear, had quite the sense of humor.
• Bud has been my Mom's dentist since they became friends in the '70s, before I was even a blush on my mother's cheek.
  

I think that's all (much more than) you need to know.

Jim/Doni: If you need to tell friends who are rendezvousing with you for Tutu's that they need to take a raincheck because you've been dealing with your grandmother . . . do it! There's no reason to have 7 people here when you're exhausted.

me: no...I really need that time. Good family/friend/music/swimming time will be the best thing

I can always bring a bell with me and ring people to bring me drinks like a princess bitch

Jim/Doni: OK.. You definitely have more energy than I have.

me: haha...not always.

you'd better have your bell ready for Tuesday

Jim/Doni: Yeah, well, I'm the princess bitch for the dentist thing, so get in line. I told Jim I expect the tooth fairy at age 55 should bring a Lexus or something . . . of course when your tooth falls out at age 5, it doesn't cost $4,000.

So the tooth fairy will probably just put a note under my pillow saying, "Get another job!"

me: hahaha, so true

Jim/Doni: Speaking of bells, LeAnne brought us some gorgeous chimes. Gorgeous. The kind you strike with a mallet. 3 different tones.

me: yes. can't wait to see/hear them.

Jim/Doni: OK. Take care of yourself. That's the best thing you can do for ME. And for yourself. There's a contestant on Food Network Star that reminds us of Weston. Alas, I think he might get booted in the next week or so unless he gets his camera skills going.

me: aww dang. Weston's pretty fabulous. And he's so excited about the 4th.

I just want to make it there in one piece. This 10 yr anniversary is kinda freakin me out. That and the fact that my knee has been acting up a lot lately.

Jim/Doni: Good! Can't wait to see him. Did I send you the blog about the metal chicken for anniversary?

me: didn't they say I would need to get the screw removed at some point. Oh...I haven't read that yet! Thanks for reminding me.

Jim/Doni: Not "Good!" about your knee. Our messages crossed.

me: haha...I know

Jim/Doni: I think they just said if it bothered you you might.

me: man. I wonder how involved/painful/expensive that would be

not even gonna think about that until I have insurance again

Jim/Doni: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Jim/Doni: Girl, you better go get your papers written, and I better go to bed. I hate it that your AC is out. Kiss Grandbetty for me.

me: I will! love you.

Jim/Doni: xoxoxoxoxo. Can't wait to see you. But sleep as much as you can.

me: yes, will do. But not on the 4th!

Jim/Doni: OK. Nite.

me: nighty poo, don't poo in your nighty

Jim/Doni: That's a lot funnier when you're at Mystic than when you get old.

me: haha...nope. I tell Weston and any other friend who sleeps over that EVERY. NIGHT.

the legacy lives on

Jim/Doni: Yeah . . . .but . . . .

me: yes.....?

Jim/Doni: Never mind.

Hey, there is an article in the current Texas Monthly about Mystic.

me: tell me!

why can't I say that as a 30 yr old?

Jim/Doni: Oh , you can totally say it as a 30 year old!!!! But when your audience is a 55 year old, they may be thinking . . . it's right around the corner.

me: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Jim/Doni: Not yet, though, I'm happy to say!!!!!!

me: What's right around the corner? The bathroom or the days of pooping the bed?

You're crazy. Go to bed.

and don't poop in it.

I'm saving this conversation forever.

Jim/Doni: Aggghhhh!
As Ol' Gene said, "Never trust a fart."

me: hahaha. Holy shit. No wonder I'm so cray cray.

Jim/Doni: Yep. It's in the Genes

me: I miss that Ol' Gene. Wish I could remember him better.

Jim/Doni: I'll regale you with stories about him till your ears fall off.

me: do it! And write them down. You're a good writer. Use it!

make a blog of crazy ass family stories

it'll be the next metal chicken

Jim/Doni: I know. I even crack myself up. Go write your papers.

me: hahaha. It's hard to when I'm laughing so hard. Ok, bye bye.

Jim/Doni: Bye bye Miss American Pie. I'm going to bed. I decided it's just as delusional to pretend tooth extraction day is like Christmas morning as it is to think it's like my death day. So I am SO LOOKING FORWARD to TUESDAY!!!!!!!

If you're gonna be delusional, might as well enjoy it, right?

me: yayyyy!!! Have fun with all the whacky gas.

Jim/Doni: You know I will. Although Bud won't be doing it. And his coke-bottle glasses are freaking hilarious staring at you through the nitrous.

me: oh my god. go. to. bed.!

Jim/Doni: Nite. Bye.

spinning

Even after all this time,
the sun never says to the earth,"You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that.
It lights the whole sky.

-Hafiz

When you find yourself with the Beloved, embracing for

one breath,

In that moment you will find your true destiny.

Alas, don't spoil this precious moment

Moments like this are very, very rare.

-Rumi

ahh! synchronicity (nerd alert: "synchronicity" was first described by Carl Jung in the 1920s). :) I started writing this post last night. 2 nights ago, Lizzy had sent me a video by a hooper that goes by the name, "Spiral". I'm a nerd about hoop videos and have seen lots of them, but had never seen this lady. In my opinion, she really brings hooping and hoopdance to a new level. After watching the one that Lizzy sent me, I went to the lady's YouTube page and found this one. Her fluid motion, spinning, and long dress reminded me of some sort of feminine, contemporary whirling dervish. The traditional Turkish dervishes are part of the Mevlevi Sufi Order that was founded by the mystic and poet, Rumi.

"Sufi whirling is a physically active mediation which originated among Sufis, and which is still practiced by the Sufi Dervishes of the Mevlevi order. It is a customary dance performed within the Sema, or worship ceremony, through which dervishes aim to reach the source of all perfection, or kemal. This is sought through abandoning one's nafs, egos, or personal desires by listening to the music, focusing on God, and spinning one's body in repetitive circles, which has been seen as a symbolic imitation of planets in the Solar System orbiting the sun."

"Rumi believed passionately in the use of music, poetry, and dance as a path for reaching God. For Rumi, music helped devotees to focus their whole being on the divine, and to do this so intensely that the soul was both destroyed and resurrected. It was from these ideas that the practice of "whirling" dervishes developed into a ritual form. His teachings became the base for the order of the Mawlawi which his son Sultan Walad organized. Rumi encouraged samā, listening to music and turning or doing the sacred dance. In the Mevlevi tradition, samāʿ represents a mystical journey of spiritual ascent through mind and love to the Perfect One. In this journey, the seeker symbolically turns towards the truth, grows through love, abandons the ego, finds the truth, and arrives at the Perfect. The seeker then returns from this spiritual journey, with greater maturity, to love and to be of service to the whole of creation without discrimination with regard to beliefs, races, classes, and nations."

What a beautiful concept and way to practice. Rumi and Hafiz both have influenced me a lot with their unbelievably beautiful ecstatic poetry. I took a break from writing and thinking about dervishes to check my messages and have breakfast this morning. My friend Lauren is moving to Japan for a year and posted a goodbye message with some lovely thoughts and a link to a video by Kate Bush. Kate has inspired me since I was about 14, when Jim introduced me to her stuff. Her songwriting is so unique and it always hits me. If you can get past some of the super '80s instrumentation and epic effects, the heart of every song is wonderful poetry. Hounds of Love, her 1985 release is still one of my favorites of all-time and, even though I've been listening to it for over 15 years now, every listen feels like the first.

In her message, Lauren had posted a link to the song, "Moments of Pleasure". It's from Kate's album, The Red Shoes but I didn't remember it and I had never seen the video. So, aside from corresponding with friends, it's the only thing I clicked to watch today and, lo and behold, she's spinning through the entire thing, remembering special moments from her life and, at the end, honoring family and friends of hers who have passed. It hit me in a special way today as I keep spinning out the threads in me that are made of sweet memories and little parts of hurt, to build a rope to my grandmother as she gets closer to her passing and also to connect more with my brother who is experiencing an even larger time of reconciliation. I also love the mustachioed "Bill" (my Dad's name) of the video, who whirls in at the end. Here are the lyrics.

Some moments that I've had
Some moments of pleasure

I think about us lying
Lying on a beach somewhere
I think about us diving
Diving off a rock, into another moment

The case of George the Wipe
Oh God I can't stop laughing
This sense of humour of mine
It isn't funny at all
Oh but we sit up all night
Talking about it

Just being alive
It can really hurt
And these moments given
Are a gift from time

On a balcony in New York
It's just started to snow
He meets us at the lift
Like Douglas Fairbanks
Waving his walking stick
But he isn't well at all
The buildings of New York
Look just like mountains through the snow

Just being alive
It can really hurt
And these moments given
Are a gift from time
Just let us try
To give these moments back
To those we love
To those who will survive

And I can hear my mother saying
"Every old sock meets an old shoe"
Isn't that a great saying?
"Every old sock meets an old shoe"
Here come the Hills of Time

Hey there Maureen,

Hey there Bubba,
Dancing down the aisle of a plane,

It's Murph, playing his guitar refrain,

Hey there Teddy,
Spinning in the chair at Abbey Road,

Hey there Michael,
Do you really love me?

Hey there Bill,
Could you turn the lights up?

taking my own advice...

and just enjoying
my rainbow
helium
birdsong heart
this early morning
and feeling like


inside.

mind and heart

are full of

these things today

...wanting Grandbetty's heart to be healthy, the beautiful and delicious organic eggs I got from Far Out Farms, the straight up strangeness of reading Genesis as an adult, all of the awesome things I'm learning and pondering from my class at the Jung Center, recent sister friend bonding time when Lizzy taught me how to make some crazy braids, and the power of community and prayer. I prayed so hard yesterday that I thought I would burst a blood vessel. I asked to be able to talk to my Grandbetty one more time, to have her realize who I am (she has Alzheimer's), and to be able to tell her that I love her. Her light is fading and I'm not sure how long she'll be with us, but I was given such a gift last night...spent over 2 hours talking with her, playing songs for her, singing to her with Grandbob, and reminiscing about our trip to Hawaii that we took when I was 10. She was incredibly lucid and loving and we both got to tell each other how much we love each other. I'm going back today to visit again with my Dad and Stepmom. Super grateful all around!

New Favorite Children's Book

DISCLAIMER: this is not really Reading Rainbow material. But you can't deny that Samuel L. Jackson keeps it real and his narration of the new bestseller, Go the Fuck to Sleep, by Adam Mansbach is pretty amazing. The illustrations are actually really beautiful and I can imagine that the ballsy prose would resonate with many exhausted parents. I will be listening to this little gem the next time I get the late night antsies.

Cloudburst

More Whitacre...
so. freaking. beautiful.

I've been slowing down to observe things lately...I found a huge datura plant growing in the neighborhood yesterday and showed Weston how, when you rub the leaves, they smell like peanut butter. The passionflowers are also blooming right around the corner. They're one of my very favorite plants on the planet for their beautiful, alien beauty and their anti-anxiety medicinal qualities and delicious fruit. Here's a photo I took of them while I was working at The American Botanical Council. Also, a loverly poem by my birthday buddy, Mary Oliver.

When loneliness comes stalking, go into the fields, consider
the orderliness of the world. Notice
something you have never noticed before,

like the tambourine sound of the snow-cricket
whose pale green body is no longer than your thumb.

Stare hard at the hummingbird, in the summer rain,
shaking the water-sparks from its wings.

Let grief be your sister, she will whether or not.
Rise up from the stump of sorrow, and be green also,
like the diligent leaves.

A lifetime isn't long enough for the beauty of this world
and the responsibilities of your life.

Scatter your flowers over the graves, and walk away.
Be good-natured and untidy in your exuberance.

In the glare of your mind, be modest.
And beholden to what is tactile, and thrilling.

Live with the beetle, and the wind.

~ Mary Oliver ~

(excerpt from The Leaf and the Cloud: A Poem)

Soul Food

I can't stop listening to this Eric Whitacre arrangment of Lux Aurumque lately. I love what he does with harmony so much. I also think the worldwide Virtual Choir is such an awesome idea...one of the best uses of technology I've seen in a while. I've been listening to this on headphones every night before bed for the past week.

I also can't stop looking at this:


The peace of being suspended in water is the closest I can come to describing how certain music makes me feel...alone but connected to something much bigger than I am. I've been enjoying refuge from the TX heat this summer by sinking to the bottom of the pool at our complex and laying with my back on the cement bottom for as long as I can, looking up at the sun or lights above, depending on the time of day. I find that a lot of music I gravitate to produces a similar feeling. I've been practicing some Satie lately and have almost completely memorized his Gnossienne No. 3. It's so sad and beautiful...takes me to the floaty place too. I've been playing piano for at least an hour a day this summer...usually longer. I often pray at the same time since piano is an instant way for me to shut off my monkey mind and let other things come through. I've dubbed this technique "prayano". :) It's been doing some good things for me.

I finally made it out to The Rose Colored Forest, an organic farm in Bedias, TX. I got two beautiful cucumbers and hours of amazing conversation in exchange for giving some help around the house. I'm going to be continuing housework and farm work once a week in exchange for some training in things that I've always wanted to learn: quilting, soapmaking, construction, etc. I'm beyond excited about this new collaboration.

I missed seeing so many members of my spirit family out at Kerrville Folk Festival this year but was graced with a house concert here by 3 of my festival favorites: Elam Blackman, Hunter Paye, and Ashley Mayne. They filled my heart and house with enough amazing music and friendship to tide me over until next year's fest.

Happy Early Father's Day to all the current and future Papas!

get me bodied

I have recently found a new appreciation for taking good care of my body and giving it the things it needs to feel strong. Although I've been a vegetarian for going on 13 years now, I haven't always been the healthiest veggie... I really enjoy preparing food, whether following recipes or making up my own, and have been on a kick with that for a while now. Over the past month, I've also started transitioning into more of a raw foods diet. I'm not there 100% now and don't know if I ever will be. I like having a big, hot bowl of good soup when it's chilly out like it is today...26 degrees in Tejas...ouch. But I must say that, after thinking about if for a while and reading several books on the raw/living foods lifestyle, I was curious about all of the accounts of dramatic decreases in lifetime aches and pains that people experience with this food. I've always been sensitive, especially with my joint, feet, and heart issues and, though I still feel pretty dang good overall, the big 3-0 brings with it a reminder that old physical shit will keep cropping up and progressing if I don't take a more active role in my health.


So....my lovely sister friend, Lizzy, loaned me a book by Alissa Cohen, raw foods guru, and I started making raw dishes when I got back home from winter break. At first, it was just out of curiosity. But, although, it's only been about a month, I have to say that the energy I feel when I eat these foods is totally amazing and very noticeable. I also have started craving more and more of the good stuff the more I eat it....big, juicy salads, smoothies, etc. I found a raw pad thai recipe that's a favorite so far and a mock salmon pate that's pretty delicious. The food fills me up and keeps me going all day with a buzzy, deep zing that's very refreshing. As seems to happen when your life shifts course in positive ways, many helpful tools fell into my lap within my first 2 weeks of trying this out. A friend gifted me an extra juicer that she had and my Mom gifted us a food processor and dehydrator. I also found a local farm where I can possibly volunteer in exchange for organic veggies and produce.

That would be a great help because, currently, the only obstacle I see with this lifestyle, is affording the food...it's frustrating that food in its whole form, straight from the dirt is so much more pricey than the poisonous crap that many Americans are economically forced into and/or addicted to eating. But that's the current situation. I'm channeling my frustration into action.

I made up a raw dessert tonight that I mixed in the food processor: Chocolate Orange Ice Cream Delight!

Ingredients: (nothing was measured)
cacao powder
soaked dates
frozen bananas
sesame seeds
cinnamon
vanilla extract
1 orange and about 2 tbsps of orange zest

I just popped it in the freezer and can't wait to taste it tomorrow.

Part of my extra energy from the better food has been channeled into more exercise...mainly Zumba!, walking around the track at the park in the neighborhood, hula hooping, and my push-up. Yes...push-up singular. I really want to get my upper body strength up to the point of doing multiple push-ups. But, for now, I'm restricted to a daily push-up. This only accounts for one, complete, straight-legged push-up, btw. There are many failed attempts and a few partial/knee push-ups thrown in the mix but I only count the "real ones". I'm hoping to increase to 3 a day by March. It sounds like a pretty wimpy goal but...dang push-ups are hard!

Maybe, after a couple more months of all this healthy stuff, I'll be able to do this!

women

Stream of consciousness writing:

What makes the timbre of our voices?
Does the amount of grief or joy experienced over a lifetime tighten or expand the vocal cords, restricting flow or adding a lilt?
The women with breathy little girl voices automatically remind me of men who have taken advantage.
The frozen floor of the dark basement below the stone house. A cold hand like a fish, squirming its way down to me and the clutch of fear that crept into my throat.
I admire the bravery of that girl who invented an excuse and got away. Not all are so lucky.
Predators lurk like sharks, deceive like satyrs and steal the warm, deep, sure voices of our women.
These women stuck in the amber moment of girlhood, suspended as if in a chrysalis...frightened to emerge.
Don't show your wings or attract too much attention. This is dangerous.
This creates suspicion, edginess, the uneven jitters beneath the well manicured casing.
This turns women against women and loosens the ties of cloth and blood and sisterhood.
Women must love each other.
Forget the competition, jealousy, and comparison and embrace the curves, the skinny knees, the cycles of dying and renewing.
We change like the moon and hold our men close to us, muffling the quiet fears of betrayal or violence...whether we've directly been touched by it or not.
Melt these icy walls, lose the hardness, and start trusting again.
The health of our world, men, sisters, and children depends on our soft, strong, resilient knowing.
We are beautiful.

R.I.P. Trish Keenan

Your voice and lyrics haunt and inspire many and you will not be forgotten.

a dream from 10/5/10

I was at the ocean with two men who represented J and one of his brothers. It was a beautiful, warm day. There were mountains on the horizon and the sky was many colors. I sat on the beach and watched the men swim out to a rock that looked far away. They started waving their hands at me and yelling something. At first, I thought they were telling me to come into the water, but then I realized that they were signaling for help. I ran over to a lifeguard stand. There was a man in a dark grey, pinstripe suit sitting there very casually. He exuded coolness and calm. I told him that they were in trouble but he seemed to sense no urgency and continued to make small talk with other people nearby. After a few more attempts at getting his attention, he finally seemed to get the message, feel my panic, and jump into action. He sprinted towards the water and jumped into the ocean. He was also instantly wearing swim trunks. I ran after him and somehow managed to jump into the water before him and start swimming to the rock. Given the distance, I was surprised to make it there in only a few strokes. I was swimming with my head entirely underwater and was moving as quickly as I could while trying to maintain awareness of the rock approaching so that I didn't hit my head. I soon saw/felt the shadow of it getting closer and J's brother reached into the water and gently lifted my head out of the water before I crashed. The gesture was very gentle and loving. I hoisted my body onto the rock and realized that the men weren't actually in trouble and that I had misunderstood their signal. I said something about the lifeguard approaching and grew nervous that he would think we had pranked him and we'd be in trouble. Both men simultaneously jumped into the water and started swimming towards the shore. I knew that they would intervene and explain the misunderstanding and that they were having fun. It put my mind at ease.

The scene changed and I was swimming, far away from any shore, with a group of people. There was a blonde man with us who, I think, represented J. We were trying to reach something. Without warning, a gigantic whale jumped out of the water. It was so close to J that I thought it would crush him when it landed but it narrowly missed him. I turned around in the water and started swimming back to shore, filled with awe at what we had just seen.



Later, I was sitting on the beach by myself again and was aware that there were many other people on the beach with me and everyone was extremely peaceful. I looked behind me and saw a couple in their late 40s or early 50s sitting behind me. They both had their eyes closed and looked content and radiant. She had a long, grey braid and crinkly eyes and they both looked younger than their ages. The man opened his eyes and began playing some sort of wind instrument. The woman watched him lovingly. I turned my attention back to the water and watched the waves and sky. I noticed a little wisp of grey smoke on the horizon, that curled around and then vanished. It suddenly filled me with sadness about losing my mother someday. I thought about our lives being as ephemeral as curls of smoke, especially compared to the size and age of the ocean. This feeling washed over me and urged me to fully connect and engage with the people in my life.

Next, I was walking with a small group of people on a trail in some thick, moist woods at dusk. I kept stopping to pick something of mine that I continually dropped on the trail. At one point, I climbed down into a little gulch to retrieve that something again (it was never fully materialized but I think it was blue). The members of the group teased me for going off the path but J was with us and smiled at me. I instantly felt accepted and given the freedom to take my time.